Writers-block

Here I am people. I feel it is the duty of someone like me to write when I feel like this. So here it is. I feel nothing. 

Let me elaborate in a way I only understand how. I am so tired - but my mind is fully awake. Although it feels as if my eyes are drooping, I can't go to sleep. Not just yet. And after a lovely evening with friends, I come home and feel quite sad. It began with a few of us, until it was just me at the bus stop, over in the blink of an eye. I think I just seem to feel a little bit lonely, but I really just want to be alone. I know it probably doesn't make a lot of sense. 

Most of all, I feel disappointed, in a way. I have come home to a new desk in my room, a place where I can write, I can do my hair and makeup, and a place where I can have my laptop and type without it burning my legs. Yet I've sat in this spot for an hour, and although the pen is running across the paper, I got nothing. No ideas, no words, no thoughts. I've wasted three pages by writing things I didn't really end up liking in the end. I'm just frustrated that I cannot work, I cannot write. I cannot do what I think I do best. 

I've had so many ideas in the last week, but no time to write them and they've all flown from my brain like little paper birds. Writers-block is the WORST. I can't get my words out and when I can they're all jumbled - things aren't sounding right to me. It's times like this when I start to question it all. I question every little piece of work that I've done. I work so hard on trying to get my writing known by people, the more views I get, the more comments, everything just gets me that little bit closer to my dream. 

But because writers-block is a pain in the butt (to put it nicely-ish) I begin to wonder if I'll ever get my touch back again. I want to feel the excitement I get when I plan out what's going to happen next, and when I think of an idea for something that would be really good. I want this to work. 

So for now, I will put on my smile - and hope to heck that it all comes back soon. Sooner rather than later really. I'm beginning to feel a little bit lost. And while this blog post seems to be okay, I've kind of 'blagged' my way through it. Basically I want to feel like me again.

It might just be from the fact that I'm constantly tired all of the time and have been for the past two days, it could be for any reason, but right now - my brain is a little bit lost. I just need to find my way back is all. 

One thing is good about all this though. I can look at my blog now and say that is a thing I've been doing. It is something that proves to me that there are people out there who care about what I have to say, the things I have to express that I seem unable to express without the words on a screen or on paper in front of me. I have dug down, straight down into my heart and soul to find myself as a writer. It is something that I love to do and hope to be a big part of in later life. 

Thank you to everyone for your love and support.  

Bad Habits

Today hasn't seemed to be the best of days for me. I've been tired all day and I have been moody as hell. I'm not sure why, but not one moment of the day went by that I didn't stop and think 'My gosh I could just go to bed and sleep for days'. 

Enough complaining, anyway. 

Okay.

I've picked up so many of my bad habits today, some I didn't know I even had. I pick (and bite) at my nails, I intentionally frown if I've been smiling too much, and I also sat for ages on the bus with my sleeve wedged in between my teeth where I sat chewing it. I know they're bad, it's a wonder I haven't gone mad with all the bad habits I have. The anxiety is worse, and a lot of girls (and boys) will know the panic of 'Oh God, did I switch my straighteners off?'.

You know, then you get home and everything is fine. Just like it's nothing. 

My point is, we all have bad habits, and they aren't anything to be ashamed of and people should know that. Never be embarrassed if you have a habit, or you fidget or anything like that, because that is something you subconsciously do to comfort yourself. The more you try not to do it, the more aware you become of it and the more self-conscious you become while trying to avoid the way your body is naturally comforted. You are allowed to comfort yourself, let your mind flow, and let your body react the normal way it does to comfort you. Be you, and never be ashamed.  

Important Times and Keeping Happy

Okay, before I begin I just want to apologise for not posting for a week. It has been a very busy week for me. I've been busy through the week, I spent Thursday with my best friend and also Friday night until late, as it was her birthday on Friday. It has also been a busy weekend, as usual I saw my boyfriend yesterday and also this morning I have been sorting out the rest of my bedroom, sorting out my clothes. 

Anyway. I'm back for the night, completely 100% yours, right here for you. It's been so busy for me, but somehow I've managed to power through with a big smile on my face. 

What's got me so happy this week, was Thursday. As it was my friend's 18th I thought her mum would want her to take her out or something on the Friday and they could celebrate as a family. The best part of Thursday though, was being able to sit on the field with Fish n Chips, sitting together and just being able to talk, which is something we haven't done in a long time. We chatted about our memories of High School (good and bad) and our sixth form experience. To be honest, it made me feel happy to know that we had managed to get through all of that together, and we remembered all the people who we went to school with. The people who were our friends, the people who weren't, and who we had seen recently. It's important to make sure you keep your good friends close and stay in touch with them, because it makes you so happy when you see them again. 

One thing - I don't know if I've ever mentioned this before, but when I was younger, I got told that your school years are the best years of your life, and to embrace them. I say differently. I say that every year should be embraced, and when you're older you'll know which years were the best of your life. I'd say so far this one is going very well for me. I've never really been this happy before in a long time. 

It's the first time ever I've really chosen to follow my dreams. I've wanted to be a writer ever since I got my first computer, which would have been about ten years ago. Every time I was so scared for people to read it - I wouldn't let anyone read it, ever. There are still some tales, even if they were only ideas I started... They'll never come out - only I know them. Yet here I am, I'm writing on a website, I've had 86 pageviews in one day. People are sitting at home, choosing to read the things I write. I'm so happy I've come out of my shell and if you haven't already, please do so because when you start showing what you love, it is terrifying at first, but then it's there, it's done and you never know - some people may love it. 

Those Gloomy Days

Everybody has those days - you know the ones, where you're too tired to do anything, everything just starts to become a drag and for some reason you seem to be a little bit moody and a little bit down in the dumps... Yet you have no idea why. 

You seem to see the day as just plain... Annoying. Everything that goes wrong seems to aggravate you, even just dropping a pen from your desk or something like that makes you want to tear your hear out and scream. You begin to sit and wonder why you even bothered to get out of bed today when all people seem to be able to give you is disappointment. You begin to wish you could just leave and go home - go back to bed where your dreams will keep you happy. 

I'm going to be really blunt here. One of the worst things about growing up as a teenager, would be the hormones. You seem to have these days so frequently you seem to wonder if this is what adulthood must be like, and that thought makes you miserable. You need to find some sort of way to establish yourself - make yourself happier to keep you out of the 'funk' that keeps sneaking back up to you. You become short tempered, moody, annoyed and just plain angry at everything that goes on around you, and these days are the worst. 

When I have a day like this I try to focus on the positives of the day, things that make me laugh or smile. I spend my day looking for odd little ways to enjoy myself through the long hours and find peace with myself. I talk to myself sometimes, not in a creepy way, but if I see anything remotely funny, I sort of tell the joke out loud to myself and just laugh. You know, because I'm so brilliantly funny. 

My personal advice to someone who is having a day like this, would be to get a bath or a shower, get yourself a nice hot drink (or cold if you'd prefer, but tea is always my choice) and just put your feet up for a little while. Find a way to relax your senses. Is there any reason to get worked up? 

The little way I have learned would be:

- Can the problem be solved / do you have a solution?

YES: Go and solve it then, that way it is sorted out, no more stress!

NO: So why worry about it now then? Cross the bridge when you get to it. 

I got that from the internet by the way. I know it's cheesy (I suppose) but it has helped me out in a lot of situations I have found myself in. I hope it helps others too... You need to reason with yourself and accept that everybody makes mistakes, even those who seem perfect to you. 

I Don't Mind The Rain

Today has been an odd one. I woke up this morning to what seemed like a nice day, I got up and ready to go out as usual, but stopped short at the door when I realised it was raining. It wasn't heavy but it was the light rain that still gets you soaked, even if you're only there for a few minutes. 

Well last night (looking back from my little story there) I found my old IPod Shuffle, and managed to get it working again, loaded it up with my favourite songs and I was happy because I could start using that again rather than my phone all the time. 

So yeah, stood at the door, watching the rain fall down into thick puddles at my feet. My bus was due in less than five minutes, and deciding I didn't have enough time to chuck my coat on or run upstairs for my umbrella, I put my earphones in, hit play and stepped out into the rain. I ran. I ran in the rain, listening to 'Ever Fallen in Love' by Pete Yorn and just running in the rain. I was on the verge of soaked when I got to my bus stop, and thankfully made it on time, also finding enough time to grab my pass from my bag and find some change... 

I couldn't stop smiling - it was the strangest thing. I was soaking wet, uncomfortable, waiting for the bus in horrible weather... and I was laughing, unable to wipe the grin from my face. It was a moment where I didn't care if anyone was watching me, I didn't care if I'd got soaked because it was FUN. It was so fun I wish I can do it again very soon - because when you stop caring about a little bit of water falling from the sky, you begin to have fun. 

Suddenly it becomes one of the best decisions you've made in a long time, because there are no regrets. This morning I had the most fun I have had on my own in weeks, just by running through the rain listening to an amazing song. 

I loved every stinkin' moment of it. It was my moment, and I am so glad for the rain today. 

No Better Feeling

One of the things I seem to continuously notice about society is how different people behave and how they are judged upon what they do and the way that they do it. They are judged on the way that they dress and the words that flow from them as they speak. Some people are really affected emotionally by the way that they are judged when they are out and about - doing the things that make them happy. If you weren't all that affected by it all, you're one of the lucky ones. 

Take for example High School. All the way through high school you are in a certain... let's say clique. You behave like the others in the clique, follow after them, do what they do only to find the group has just been walking around in a large circle. You follow one person, they follow another, they follow another and so on until that one person is following you. There are so many common cliques in school, and you seem to find yourself stuck in one. To change is one of your most difficult challenges and if you don't succeed you find yourself with a label. Not always necessarily a bad thing - if you're in a good group. 

"Because being with the Plastics was like being famous..." - Mean Girls

Take 'The Plastics' from the film 'Mean Girls' for example. The plastics were a group of three girls who were... ahem... mean. They seemed to believe that they were important in the school, like everyone looked up to them and wanted to be like them. Little did they know that not everyone had the same opinion. (See! No spoilers!). 

The bottom line is that you cannot please everyone, and because you are put into these little groups depending  on how you behaved, behaving any differently seemed to be frowned upon by the people who put you into the group in the first place. They believe you don't belong doing whatever it is out of the ordinary you have chosen to do. Such as if you generally went out with your friends, but instead on that one day you went to the library to do some research or have a quiet afternoon. Why should that be any different? Because people question what you are doing, it can make you feel uncomfortable to be where you are and do what you want to do. 

People should never feel embarrassed or uncomfortable when they are doing what they like to do. Yes, the quiet ones are allowed to go out with their friends, the people who are usually in large groups are allowed to be alone for a while. I hate the fact that some people are questioned for doing something in the world, even if they love doing what they are doing. I can understand if it was dangerous or just plain stupid, but people should feel comfortable. 

Every day now I sit for an hour and read, I read on the bus, at home lying down on my bed, when I am sat on a bench outside, when I am in the coffee shop... The list could go on forever. But sometimes I want to listen to my music, instead. I don't expect anyone to judge me for that, for doing something that I love. 

For a long time now I have craved the freedom of being able to do whatever I want without the feeling of being judged by anyone. Although my self confidence may have improved, it still isn't top notch. As a quiet person generally, I will never be afraid to get myself up there. Yes I will go up on that stage and sing on karaoke night, yes I will read my personal writing to my friends in public and yes, when I am alone in the house I will belt my favourite songs out at the top of my voice even though it doesn't sound any good. And do you know why I do it?

Because it feels amazing. I will never allow myself to be judged for feeling good. Do what you want to do and let yourself feel amazing because I am telling you now... 

There is no better feeling.    

I'm Good At This

Bloggin' on the bus... Yes I am very bored, okay? Yeah I thought this would be a good idea, you know, been too ill to do a good ol' blog in a while but my phone is wobbling about in my hands so if I make any pretty obvious spelling mistakes, please ignore them. Also it has been a long day so shush, you.

One of the reasons I don't like taking the bus is because it's too quiet. Nobody TALKS TO EACH OTHER. GOSH. Personally I think everyone should just overcome their differences and speak to each other. But not to me. I'll be here in the corner on my own listening to my tunes... I didn't say it should apply to everyone. I mean, I would read but I get car sick at times and and my kindle is almost depleted of battery life which really SUCKS.

Yes, I have motion sickness at times. I'm blogging. Concentrating on my phone... I'm good at this.

The bus is awkward though"fo' realz" as the kids say these days. (Says the 18 year old)

*sighs*

Illness.

Okay, I mentioned on twitter a few hours ago that I was ill, and you shouldn't expect a blog post from me tonight, but I thought I would need some cheering up... And we all know writing cheers me up.

Just a short one today as I feel really sick and just want to chill... Also my arm hurts. A few hours ago, chatting with a friend, I was starting to feel a bit better after having a bad mood day because my arm was so sore and I was getting fed up. But I spent the afternoon searching for motives to help me recover, things that will improve my heath and stuff... I'm not healthy. Basically.

But this cheered me up a bit... Until I got more ill in the afternoon. But if you want to be happy, you should always find a motive, whether it's to get you through an awful task or recovering from something, it's worth thinking about to keep your mood high.

Inspirational Thingies

There are so many amazing things in this world for us to experience and learn to love, so many things that can inspire us to do these things more, or to change a way that we live. 

There are two huge influences in my life at the minute, two things that really inspire me. They are books, and music. 

Books are inspiring to me because, not only do they supply enjoyment for a long period of time, they can also manipulate the way that you think about life. When you really get into a book and you feel the dread if something goes wrong or you get the butterflies when that one character falls in love and they finally realise it. There have been a lot of influential writers out there, and one of my personal favourite writers is JK Rowling. The way that she writes is fun, straightforward and easy to follow the story. The writing is descriptive so that you can imagine all the characters in front of you and you can picture yourself wondering around Hogwarts Castle. I'm talking about the Harry Potter series if you didn't guess. I love the way that it feels to read them, when I literally can hear myself answering the characters back, like "Ron, don't you dare do that, get back here" and "wrong spell, silly!". (Yes, I'm that sort of person - I'm not even sorry). Other writers who have spoken to me are some that I have just happened to find on Amazon by chance, such as Alora Dillon (Melody's Heart / Melody's Crush) and Jojo Moyes (Me Before You - it was recommended by a friend) and also Rachel Schurig (Any of the books - I read loads of them and loved all the ones I read). And those are only a few that I love, there are so many other writers who I adore and think they are amazing.

The music is very inspirational because it influences the way that I feel when I am writing and how I am feeling at the time. The music I listen to can make me happy one moment and make me want to cry the next. It can cheer me up in the darkest of times and make my heart sing. They make me feel as if I am invincible, like nothing can hurt me (If you know what I mean). My favourite band is Fall Out Boy - they make me happy. They also seem to be one of the few bands where I have just gone and bought like, all of their albums because I like all of their songs. One of their songs 'I Don't Care' really helps me out if I'm feeling rough, and they make me feel better about the person that I am. When I listen to that song, I hear 'You can say what you want about me, I don't care what your opinion is of me, because it should only be my opinion of myself that matters' and that makes me happy, because that is exactly how I want to feel. Other bands, such as Keane and All Time Low, the Script and Panic! At The Disco inspire me with their words and the way they sing them. All of their songs are performed with passion and make me feel great when I listen to them. I also like, on occasion, piano music. I don't personally care so much for classical music, but I do enjoy listening to piano music. I love the Clair De Lune by Debussy, and I like a lot of songs by Sean Beeson, too. 

What I have mentioned above barely covers what inspires me because there is so much that does inspire me, but of course these are some of my favourites. The more inspired I get, the more of the world I am able to find as beautiful as people make it out to be, and I feel like it's pretty beautiful. Especially sitting on my bed right now, listening to Fall Out Boy, looking at the clouds in the bright blue sky and being able to share my feelings the way I do best. 

Despite not feeling great (I've been in great pain in my neck and shoulder you see) I feel pretty happy right now.  

Why I'm Here

I know. I know I said on twitter that I would blog in the morning and it is now like, half twelve but you have to understand that I had to go out and go to game for a new xbox controller because mine broke...

Anyway. I just wanted to make a point of saying that I am here for a reason, blogging to you all.

My first reason is that writing is my life, for anyone who knows me or reads my blog often enough will know that I aspire to be a writer and this is a good chance to show what I can do.

Another is that I am here to (hopefully) inspire you to do greater things, go out into the world and not follow the trends set by those who think they have a right to set them. Set examples not trends. I am here because I want to share not only my thoughts and feelings, but also share a way that you can live happily, live in a way that is your own, not needing to impress anyone but yourself.

I am here because I believe that anyone can be happy, and I want to help people be happy, and see them smile because that is one of the best gift a person can get.