10 Things You Would Do Well To Know About Me

Hi there guys,

Life has a strange way of working out for each person in the world, and while I may moan and whine about the way things work out for me, as like everyone else in the world, that's life. You learn how to deal with things, and everyone deals with things differently. People react in different ways to different things that happen through the day. For example, I hate confrontation, it makes me nervous, my heart rate picks up and I begin to worry for a while, whereas with some people, confrontation might not bother them as much. I hope that makes sense.

So recently, life has thrown a few curveballs at me, and before I know it, it's October (aka the best month of the year). My best friend has gone to University, I've suffered a loss of a family member, and my health has been up and down in the worst of ways.

It's got me thinking tonight. For the past week, I've been thinking about life overall, and frankly I think so many people, myself included, are rushing through life. We spend our weeks wishing for the weekend to come, which always goes too fast anyway. We don't realise how many days we are actually wishing away, which sucks really. So I've been taking my time with what I am doing (unless I am running late for something), and it's been lovely to not have to worry about anything.

It's got me thinking about how I feel in the world, and how I communicate with others, and then it got me thinking onto how many people actually know about who I am? The real me, anyway.

So I thought I'd try to show you what sort of person I really am underneath all the layers that I usually cover myself with.

1. I double check things. Then I double check that I've double checked it. Then I check again. I think this is how I get most of my exercise in life. So if I ask you to confirm something, something that I probably know for a fact I've done or got right, for example, locking the door, don't get irritated. It's just me.

2.  If you ask me for a word away from others, I get nervous. By nervous I mean that I question everything I have done throughout the last week or so. I don't care who you are, but if you ask me for a word, I hope you're going to tell me a secret or give me some sort of 007 top secret mission, because otherwise I will not want to follow you away from people.

3. If I don't know you that well, I will be super nervous wondering if you like me or not. It comes with the fear of not wanting to be found annoying or irritating, or stupid or whatever... again... that's just me. Don't judge.

4. I don't really care about how I dress in public. I dress in a nice way, but I don't care if you don't like my style or the way that I look. I don't care if I look scruffy at Tesco's on a Sunday afternoon. I don't care if you don't like my stripy tights as I walk around town on a Saturday. I don't care if you stare at me, because my style makes me happy.

5. I have an odd accent. Deal with it. I realise I pronounce 'book' with an 'oo'. I'm not going to change the way I talk for you.

6. I get mad when people don't use the correct grammar word. For example: Your and You're, There, their and they're. I also don't like 'u' instead of 'you'. I get so angry.

7. I spend a lot of my time reading. This is mainly to escape from the real world for a bit, and have to think about someone else's problems besides my own. I will sit and read, and not say a word for hours on end, and it will be so much fun to me. I honestly just wish I could sit and read books all day every day. It would make my life amazing. #dreamjob. I should be a proof-reader...

8. I am ill a lot. Just in general like headaches and just that general feeling of 'I'd rather be in bed' because I don't feel up to it. It is however, something I'm working on.

9. My ambition has always been a writer, but some of the time I read my own writing and wonder why I even bother trying. (My friend may yell at me for this one). I'm so desperate to get my work out there, that when I try to put my thoughts down on paper, they just don't sound that good. I can't seem to comprehend that, although I have been writing for years, I'm still a beginner. I will still have to write something a few times before it becomes good enough for someone to enjoy. I just don't really have the patience.

10. I get lost in my head a lot. I'm a daydreamer, obsessed with one too many things, hopelessly in love, and... well... me.

I'm just me.

I hope that this will have a few people understand a bit more about me, and how I am as a person. There are a hundred other things I could put on there, but... I've got to keep some things private I suppose!

On the Mend!

Hello there my old friends. It seems I've missed quite a chunk here... I haven't posted since March and with good reason of course.

So the main reason I haven't posted is because I've been trying to sort myself out, not only mentally but physically too. I'm not saying I've particularly eaten healthier, but lets just say I now know how to take care of my body now. I'm getting a bit better at a time and on the mend which for me is amazing. I'm sure in one of my old posts I mentioned that I had been constantly tired and I was lacking in energy and sleep, having headaches and feeling down. Basically I've found out what's going on with my body and pleased to say I'm getting better! I'm still tired constantly and getting the headaches but I can cope with them a lot better now.

With everything that has been going on with my body, I sort of forgot about my blog... I try hard with my writing but sometimes it can be difficult when you know what you want to put but just can't get it down on paper... It upset me a bit, I'll be honest...

I haven't given up though.

There is still a lot that needs to be sorted for me. I find myself on repeat again and again the same loop of just getting up, working, coming home, chill for a few hours then repeat but I can't help but feel there should be more to life. I'm not saying I don't like what I do for a living, I do, it's just that, as humans, we have been presented with a world full of wonder and treasures. Natural treasures and man made also. They're still there to see. Why don't we go to see them? Explore the world we have been given? Why not?

Dealing.

Wow, it's been an entire month since I blogged. This is hard for me, now that I realise that during the month I spent barely any time thinking about my next blog, or what would come of it.

Truth is, it's been a complicated month for me, I won't talk about all of it, and although i have a lot of trust in my readers, there are some things I would like to keep personal. I haven't been very well recently, experiencing sickness, but not actually throwing up, fatigue, tiredness, headaches and breathlessness. I have a few ideas of what it could be, and I have spent the last month trying to test different theory's and seeing if they work, one of which has worked a little bit.

I've also been getting on with different things that have come about recently. I recently helped out in a wedding fair, dressing up as a bride which was fun, trying to sort myself out and my diet to make sure I'm eating enough and eating relatively good for myself, and I've got back into my reading too.

Once upon a time I forgot about all my reading, and forgot to actually live my life to the full, I moped around and was always tired. I'm trying not to let it get in the way of me now.

At the moment I have my head in the clouds, trying to find my own way in life. The sun came out this morning, and as I sit in my room, reading one of my new books, I can't help but think about the upcoming summer.

This is the summer where things are going to change, and it's a little bit frightening, but this year will be good. I know it.

Bucket List

Hey guys, so I only got back into the house about 2 hours ago, and I'm pretty exhausted. Its been a long sort of day, but a nice one nonetheless.

When I got home I started to read a new book from Rachel Schurig, one of my favourite authors, who describes a museum which was made out of an old train station. I basically fell in love with this place, everything about the way it was described seemed so perfect to me, and it hit me that there were so many places just like that, that I wanted to visit.

I've visited a place like that before, an old bookstore that was made out of a train station. A classic one with brick walls and a glass roof. There couldn't have been a place that made me feel more at home, as when you walk through the doors you are greeted with a smell that's a mix of strong coffee and old books. It was heaven to me, and just to give it a little bit of character, there was a tiny train that ran around the track above the bookshelves. Also so many squishy chairs that you could just sit and read in, shelves that were twice your size and an atmosphere that just makes you want to revisit the place again and again.

So I made a bucket list. Some things that are easy to do, some things I've started and some that I can only achieve in time. I've put on there places I want to visit and do, like visit Japan and California, and spend a weekend in London to visit the Natural History Museum and Leadenhall Market. Some of my things on there I don't know how I'll achieve, like trying to do something that's quite scary, or trying something new. These are some things I want out of my life. For a while I wanted to live in America and just move away, but I figured that if I visit America that would settle me, and be able to travel a bit instead. Moving so far away from everything I've known seems to be too big of a step.

But then I decided to make a second list. I made a list of things I've actually done that make me smile, and I seem to have thought of quite a few. Some are emotional, like learning to be more confident and embracing my bizarre personality. Others are things I've actually done that I've been really proud of, like raising some money for charity and that time I managed to get 100 page views on my blog in one day. It might not seem like a lot, but it was completely worth it to me.

It seems that by doing this I have brought myself a lot of hope, making me look forward to the future and what it holds, and it was definitely enough to bring me out of the January and February rut I seemed to have myself in. Let's see what the future brings.

Keep smiling! - x

Feeling Good

I think this is really important guys. Over the last couple of weeks I've felt borderline depressed. I've been constantly tired and haven't been feeling myself.

While I am still tired and not quite myself, at 19 now is the time to really make myself. So try to work out a style that's really me. So my style is very different. I recently bought a new steampunk style coat, a new tshirt and stripy tights. I like to be different, in a sense that I stand out from the crowd as someone who isn't like everyone else.

So I love my converse (bright red of course), skinny jeans, black tshirts with funny things printed on them (my new one has Baymax on it and it says 'I like Big Bots and I cannot lie') and I prefer to have my hair either down or half up half down. I have black eyeliner on every day, with flicks on the edges, and slightly dark lipstick.

This is the style I love, when I feel more confident and happy with myself and the person that I am. I'm not a fashionista or whatever, but I love the clothes I do wear.

But this is the bit that's important, its important for you to feel good in your own skin, and if you're not, do something about it. Treat yourself. Today (about 30 mins ago actually) I had my eyebrows done, get your nails done, try a new makeup style and smile. Go out and get some clothes you feel happy in and just keep yourself happy. If you don't like something, change it.

I'm not saying go out and go have surgery, because like, I don't like my nose. I mean, if something can be changed easily, or if it's just a simple thing that needs to be changed, go for it.

The way to breaking out of a rut is to smile and do something that makes you happy. Don't do what I did, when I sat and pitied myself because trust me when I say - it does nothing.

Keep smiling - x

Growing Up

Okay. For a lot of us, including myself, this can be a scary subject. You start to notice how much you've grown up mostly after you've left high school.

We've all heard the phrase "you'll notice change when you're no longer at high school" or something along those general lines. And it's very true.

Once you've left high school, you go through your life alone. I don't mean of course you shut yourself off from the world, but I mean every choice, every triumph and mistake, everything relating to your life, must be dealt with by yourself. Things suddenly become your choice and you are expected to do more, wether it would be to get a part time job while you're at college, or do some bits and bobs around the house, learn to drive. It dawns on you that you're no longer a little kid, and you have to pay for your actions.

You need to have the qualifications to get a good job to provide for yourself and maybe a family, you need to move out (eventually) and get out into the world.

You can be whatever you want to be, but if you get into any sort of trouble, you don't have anyone to hide behind. You must take responsibility for your actions.

It's a scary thought isn't it? Because when you move out you have to go shopping yourself, or with whoever you live with. No longer will someone be there to put food in the kitchen for you or clean up after you.

Anyway, it's something we all go through, everyone has to grow up. Emotionally and physically we have to grow up, but mentally, never.

The friends you had may still be there with you, but you'll find things will be a lot different. You both realise at that point you have to discover what career you will have. It is very scary.

So take a deep breath and smile. I'm sure everything will be fine, just make sure you're prepared.

Another thing. Never be afraid to ask someone for help, whether it would be a parent, guardian or friend. It's best to ask and get help than to suffer and struggle on your own.

Keep smiling. X   

Needlessly Happy

Hey guys, sorry its been so long, I think I've just been 'off' for the past couple of weeks, with a lack of energy and lack of ambition. But I've returned.

Obviously. I'm not gonna stay away for long am I? I love this place too much to do that.

So at the moment I'm feeling happy, genuinely happy after today. I've spent a lush day with my boyfriend, just sitting about, doing nothing, but I couldn't feel more chilled out.

So I got home about half an hour ago, and immediately started cleaning because my room was just messy as hell. Found some important stuff that needs to be sorted out, but I'm happy because I have so much more room to do what I want now. I've not finished yet, I'm taking a break or my coffee will go cold.

But it's got me thinking about how independent I am / want to be. I mean, I pretty much can sort myself out, I do my own thing when I'm home but I still rely on my mam for different things, like lifts to and from places, help out with the cat and do my washing (occasionally) I can do that on my own but you know. And I feel really lucky.

Yet I have these strange cravings to move on, to try to live on my own (with a friend, I don't think I could face living alone) and it's a scary thought you know? I mean, I'm getting to that point where I crave more and more independence and it changes the way you think.

I sit and think that I need to make things my own, put things where I want them. I've spent most of my life being a messy little child, and I never stopped to think "this is my room I want that over there and this over here." So today I hung my Sherlock poster back up and found a place to put my cork board. It's weird. I spend most of my time in this room so it feels weird to know that I can do what I want with this room, can define myself, exactly who I am in this room.

So this is my life. I won't let anyone define what my life is meant to be, or who I am meant to be as a person.

So here I am.

I am weird, crazy, strange, funny, I try to be as generous as I can and I like to help people, I feels good. I prefer to give than receive. I am creative, unique and different, part of a brilliant set of fandoms (Sherlock, Harry Potter, Pretty Little Liars, Bioshock, Portal, Markiplier, Game Grumps, other Youtubers) and I really like tea. I am fussy and constantly want to change my hair. I sit in awkward positions that always give me pins and needles, and I have a strange obsession with being as different as I can from everyone I meet.

I'm not going to change. And I hope that people I encounter in life can accept that, or leave me be at the very least.

Keep smiling. X

Growing Up

I had a strange feeling yesterday, and it's been on my mind all night and all day. I realised that I'm no longer a kid.

I know, it's a bit late of a realisation.

But it's like... I'm no longer at school, I've had a boyfriend for nearly 4 and a half years, I've started to understand the world a lot better now. It's crazy. The realisation that I'm nearly at that point where I could move in with my boyfriend or my friends, the fact that one of my friends is going to Uni soon, the fact that I'm working hard to get to a place that I want to be.

Things seem to be so much easier nowadays. I mean, at school I could barely see this far ahead of life, I had no plan, I was just gonna 'ride the wave' some would say, and now I make plans for myself and make sure they're realistic and accomplishable.

It's hard to realise that when I'm just settling down, that things have been changing more than ever. Things are always changing, and frankly I quite like it, means I'm not stuck in a rut.

But yeah. I'm growing up. Argh.

Truthfully though, I don't think I'll ever ACTUALLY grow up. I'm going to live life to the full, and smile forever. And yes. I'm going to RUN to the big rollercoasters with my friends at theme parks, sit on the swings at parks and talk, go to the cinema to see animations and never forget the millions of things that make me smile.

How Music Influences Our Lives

Hi guys

So today, walking through the town, on my way to Greggs for breakfast, I was listening to a song I recently put on my phone. The song was called Hooked on a Feeling by Blue Suede (a lot of 'Guardians of the Galaxy' fans may know the song) and I was thinking about how different I felt listening to that song than how I would when I listen to songs like 'Animal I Have Become' by Three Days Grace.

When I was listening to this song, Hooked on a Feeling, I was thinking about what I could do to get me through the day, I was feeling happy and I was smiling. Whereas when I am listening to Three Days Grace, I start to become, sort of wary, of where I am and what I'm doing. And that's what got me thinking you see. The music choices I was making was changing my perspective on everything I was doing or thinking.

For example, imagine walking down the street and someone looks at you, you smile at them and they just frown or stare back. When listening to happy music I tend to just shrug it off and keep on through my day, wheras if I am listening to rock music I wonder what I have done, and I think "is it because he can hear my music?" That is the first thought that always comes into my head because one of the other things I noticed about music, was that people who listen to rock or metal are sometimes thought of as 'weird', 'rude', 'loud' and 'violent'. I know its not a lot of the time now, but I know it is a common misconception in a lot of people's eyes. That was the way it was seen by a lot of people from school anyway. When you're at school and just developing yourself as a person, you can take a lot of comments that will change the entire way you think about something, and it changes your perception a lot.

I know sometimes it is the case that people who listen to that sort of music are, because not everyone is a sweetie pie. But people who listen to other genres of music have come across to be the same way. Music doesn't determine who a person is, music just helps when its needed. When you need to smile, when you need to cry. Music can create a moment, and music can ruin a moment.

Music is something that should be felt down to your very soul, not something to be used for image or anything like that. So if you want to dance, then dance, sing, play your music and when you play your music play it loud.

New Year's Resolutions

Hey guys, so today I want to talk about my new year's resolutions.

Unlike other people, it's not going to be a case of 'new year - new me' and frankly I'm not one of those people to usually make a new year resolution.

However, this year I have decided to make a few, mostly ones that are quite easy and ones that I can actually do. So here they are.

Stay Organised

The one thing I want to do is stay organised, both at home and when I am out. One of the ways I will do this is by using a calendar and a pin board. Hopefully I will be able to keep track of anything that I need to. I keep everything written down on my calendar and also the calendar on my phone so I can't forget it. Also making sure that I check my emails every day and delete those that I don't need, such as those pesky advertisements for things I'm not all that interested in.

Eat More Healthy

When I say I will eat more healthy, I don't mean I will eat salad or barely eat anything at all, or go on that 'protein shake' diet. That's not happening. I simply mean, that I want to make more meals from scratch at home, and maybe eat a few more bits of fruit and vegetables, and eat less processed foods and takeout food.

Exercise More

So basically I walk a lot of the places I have to go, and this doesn't mean I want to go out jogging anywhere or do anything like that, because frankly I don't have the energy for it and I get out of breath entirely too easy. So I hope to be able to do just a little bit more exercise, even if it's just walking to the shops instead of going in the car.

Being Happy

This year I will make sure that I am happy, and make sure that I work hard to achieve. By the end of this year I want to make sure I have no regrets and I am living a happy life full of brilliance and smiles. Not only that, but with my blog I hope to make a few other people smile too. Yes my blog may be small, but I hope to be blogging more, so hopefully I'll be able to light up a few more lives.

Travel

This year I definitely want to save and be able to travel somewhere amazing. Like, there are so many things I want to see, and so many places I want to go. Hopefully there will be some travel in my life, and hopefully I would like to meet new friends and live a strange, exotic, and brilliant life, knowing that I have seen what I want to see. With this last one, I doubt I'll be able to travel anywhere just yet, but I'm going to be working extra hard towards it.

So I don't have all that many, and all of them are easily achievable goals. Basically I want to live my life happy, and I want to look back when I'm old and see more smiles than I can ever imagine, both from myself and the people around me. I hope to make the world smile, in only the way I know how.

Thanks so much for reading - see you all soon!

- Steph x

:)

My Top 5 Favourite Youtubers

Hey guys, so in this past week I have spent a lot of my time watching videos on YouTube, watching a collection of different people, so I thought a few of you may be interested in knowing who my favourites are and why... So here goes.

5. Ashens.
Ashens is brilliant, so funny all the time. To anyone who doesn't know what Ashens is, he is a man who reviews 'tat' on a brown sofa. He eats strange food he is sent in and loves Poundland. He makes reviewing things very fun, as a lot of people would review the popular items like phones and games consoles, Ashens looks at knockoff items and cheap stuff. His content is amazing and it never fails to make me laugh, especially his food specials, each of which I'm sure I have watched more than once. He also does collaborations with other YouTubers who also eat the food, and review the strange items. A strange and weird choice of YouTube videos to watch but they never fail to make me smile.

4. Jontron.
Jon, a former Grump, also makes amazing videos. Also a brilliant reviewer, he reviews games and knockoff films he finds. Although his videos aren't posted too often, they are always extremely hilarious. His comedy is so funny yet so simple at the same time, and to be honest I never thought I could laugh so hard at someone saying the word "SPORTS" in a silly voice (The Barbie Special). His videos are creative and just pure brilliant. Some of the games he reviews are hilarious, and he seems to be able to make them so much more funny.

3. Emma Blackery and LukeIsNotSexy
Loud, brave and very funny. Their separate videos are hilarious, and put together I can't seem to get enough of the two. After watching one video I seem to have to continue, I can't stop. As they constantly make challenge videos and truth or dares, each of which are completely brilliant each time. Even watching them just mucking about in outtakes makes ne laugh. To make it even better, a few nights ago I discovered a few videos on each of their channels, for example Emma's Feel Good 101 videos, and I must say the both of them are very inspiring. The way that they talk and they try to make others see that they are worth it, and you can tell that they really care about their fans and their wellbeing. Really well done guys.

2. Game Grumps
Okay so I've been watching the Game Grumps for a while now and I haven't found one video that doesn't cheer me up or make me laugh out loud, or make me smile in any sort of way. Their childish (and rude at times) humor is hilarious, and their gameplay is very funny, as Arin can get wound up very easily by a game. My favourite game they've played is the Legend Of Zelda Wind Waker, and it was them playing that game that made me just fall in love with the people that they are. They make me smile and cry with laughter. They are rude and childish, they make stupid jokes, and when I watch them I couldn't ask for more. I just love every single one of the Grumps. Goddamn it Ross.

1. Markiplier.
Okay, so this guy has pretty much taken over a lot of the time I spend on YouTube, and I watch a lot of his content. As a lets player I love to watch him play games I don't have the guts to play, and watch him get frightened and almost fall of his chair, screaming when a creature gets him on the game and always wearing his lucky flannel shirt. Markiplier makes me smile in a million different ways, I laugh when he does, I laugh when he makes stupid jokes and reads mean comments, I laugh when he plays the little indie games. He is one of the most inspirational people, because when he touches on sensitive issues he is gentle with the way he speaks, and when he does speak he makes you know that you are loved as a person and that you deserve to be happy. He makes me smile when I've had a rough day when all I want is a sit down with some coffee. Although he is silly and a bit strange... Okay very strange... He is amazing and I really hope he knows that. Everything he does for his videos and for his fans are amazing, and he truly is a fantastic person. Keep up the amazing work Mark, we love you lots!

So that's my top 5, there were a hell of a lot more I could've thought of, but these guys are 100% amazing.

Also I just want to say sorry if I was a little bit repetitive or a little bit 'ahmegard' with it as there are a million things I could say about these guys but I can't seem to find the right words. So yeah. I love you guys, that's all you need to know.