The Realisation that changed my life

This is something I know is going to be the same as what I have written before, yet vastly different, and as a person who I think has changed in a number of ways.

Since January, a lot has changed for me. I firstly switched job roles, working in the same place but doing something different, which was great. I couldn't wait to start learning and developing my skills further at work. I became someone slightly different. I'd like to say I was a little bit more confident if anything, but then again, looking back now I don't think I was. I was someone was slowly gaining confidence again which I loved. I realise working on something different can be scary until you are used to it.

I've been away from blogging and YouTube for a long time now. Months. While I would like to blame this fact on my 'busy schedule' (it's not busy at all) I think I can blame it on all number of reasons.
1. I don't have all the time in the world.
2. Lack of confidence.
3. Ill health - I can't really say much about this for obvious reasons.

For a while, my confidence grew. I was feeling great and getting on with life as I should. I saw every bad thing came with something happy to go with it. My car broke down in a car park in the middle of the day. Embarrassing, but it could have been in the middle of the night at the side of a barren road.

I was finding things to be thankful for when the bad stuff came and went. For a while nothing was bad.

While I'd like to think I'm like this all the time now, I know there is still improvements to be made. I still get jealous from time to time. I get angry when it can be avoided or when I think someone has acted carelessly. I hopelessly apologise when I've been mean due to anger and feel like I've upset them.

I guess that's the person I am.

Today I figured out that I'm not as bad as I thought. While I feel at times a bit alone, and a bit anxious and annoyed for a reason I know I shouldn't, I also feel ambition and pride for myself. I look for long term solutions rather than taking short term solutions.

I know my confidence still needs to rise, and I need to put on my big girl pants and get on with things. I need to learn to be more accepting and I also need to remember that nothing is going to go right the first time, but I need to keep trying to reach that goal.

My family, friends and the love of my life drive me absolutely nuts. I couldn't love them more for the way they stand by my side without complaint and support me through any rough times I experience. They are there through good and bad. For that, I will be forever grateful.

I will be back. I don't know when, but I will be.

The Common Issues of a Modern Day Blogger

Sometimes these blogs can be difficult to write. 

As some of you know, writing has been a dream job for me since I was about 8 years old. It's something I've always wanted to pursue. 

My issue is, I never have the confidence to show my writing to the world, or in some cases to the people I trust more than anyone in the world. I know I have some good ideas, how I show them is another story. 

One of my worst habits is writing something out, re-reading it and deciding I don't like it, and deleting it altogether. I then decide I can't write at that moment and putting my laptop down and I won't pick it back up for hours or sometimes days. It's exhausting to think about, as I know I can do it, but I don't put faith in myself to go through with the stories I tell. 

So many ideas have gone rogue now, lost in the back of my brain. I hate that in some cases I will never be able to get them back. 

So sometimes blogging seems like a good way to go. I can write whatever is on my mind and I know that some of you will relate. If you don't, well I guess you might relate to some of the others. Little snippets of my imagination or life for people to see and read. Little things about me that I feel I can't express without words on paper or on a screen. 

I love to blog. I really do. I love to see how many people stop to read them, and I love to write them. That's the hard part. 

Sometimes I'm at loss of what to write about. Sometimes I get inspiration from the rain, or falling leaves, or the blossom in the spring. Sometimes I want to express how I feel about the beauty of the stars, or the boring days where nothing really happens or how sometimes I'm so tired but my brain is too wired to sleep. 

Sometimes I want to write about how peaceful someone looks when they fall asleep, how I feel when I get to the beach near where I was born and feel the sand in between my toes, or how angry I am at something that's happened against me in the world. 

Getting the words out seems to be so difficult. I want to get it right, make it interesting or inspiring. Somehow getting the words out seems to be so... final. Once my opinion is out would there be any way to take it back if it were to ever change? 

Maybe. 

Maybe not.